Couples Sleeping in Separate Rooms: Better for a Relationship?

Oana Szakacs

Written by Oana Szakacs
Posted in: Lifestyle
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It is a fact that people spend less time together, because they spend more time at work, no mater if we are referring at a relationship or actually a marriage. This is also what an article that recently appeared in The New York Times is trying to show, but by revealing what has become more of a trend in the passed years: couples sleep in separate rooms.
It seems that one in four American couples opted for separate bedrooms, at least this is what a study initiated by National Association of Home Builders has discovered. And the numbers are about to grow because the same study showed that in 2015 this sleeping in different bedrooms will be a reality for more than 60 percent of all couples. Well, marriages will definitely be having a new image from this point of view.

Why do people opt for such a lifestyle? Is it a good or a bad thing? Many individuals say that they best sleep or relax when they are alone, and after a tired day of work, they just need some time for themselves. But, can that hurt a relationship?

In the attempt to give an answer to this question, Shine asked a psychotherapist that is also kind of famous. Tina Tessina is the author of the book “Money, Sex, and Kids: Stops Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage.” Well, the therapist considers that sleeping in different bedrooms can have some negative effects on a relationship because it means a disconnection in the couple. “It just makes it easier to avoid each other, when what’s really needed is connection and contact. There are solutions to snoring and restlessness — a memory foam mattress will stop restlessness from being felt by a partner and snoring can be helped in a number of ways,” Tina Tessina said.

Well, one of the explication why people decide to sleep in different room when involved in a relationship is the one that they can not sleep well with their partners, so this whole situation is needed in order to be able to rest. But, a study published in the journal Sleep and Biological Rhythms showed the exact opposite, at least when we are referring to man.

When a woman is in a relationship, she sleeps less soundly, at least this is what the study has found. But, a man, on the other hand sleeps so much better with a women next to him. So, sleeping with a partner is not that bad, neither for the woman or the man.

Studies also indicate that when a couple sleeps less time near each other, in the relationship there is less sex involved. And private time is kind of crucial in a couple’s life. But, besides sex, which is definitely an important part of a relationship, conversation is probably the vital element. People also tend to make conversation when they are near each other and of course before going to bed. If you and your partner sleep in different room you definitely can not communicate. For many couples this is actually the one time when they can talk without being interrupted. During the day people are at work and so, they are able to talk only at the phone, and at night, they have home duties, kids or parents coming over, so there is not much time to communicate or to spend together. So, before going to bed is the only time when they can reconnect.

So, specialists say that it is better for a couple to share the same room and the same bed. But still more and more couples take the other way and opt to have different bedrooms. Would you like to sleep in a different room, away from your life partner? You will surly have your privacy, but doesn’t it damage your relationship?11

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7 Responses to Couples Sleeping in Separate Rooms: Better for a Relationship?

  1. Randy says:

    My wife decided on her own to move out of bedroom 18 months ago. I feel it has really hurt our relationship. We hardly ever speak and sex has almost completely stopped. She will not talk about it and says she sleeps better

    • Just want to sleep says:

      Do you snore so loudly she can’t sleep? Has she even tried sleeping pills to try and get SOME sleep? Has she even had herself tested for sleep apnea to see if it is her? Maybe she needs some room too. Are you constantly on her side or waking her up by touching her thus disruptIng her sleeping? Some people need quiet and space to sleep, especIally if she is a mother who has learned to wake up at a touch because of past younger children . Grow up. you don’t have to sleep with M

  2. Arleene says:

    My husband hasn’t slept in our room since my last son was born whote almost 5
    it sucks but he seems to think that it’s not that bad of a thing and has actually read where 1/4 couples do sleep in separate rooms–better sleep overall is better on all of us and while I agree with some of it
    Personally I’ve been battling this for years —he a horrible snorer — I can’t seem to sleep with him or w/out him
    He has a snoring problem but does have a machine to help manage it–but there is always a reason why he can’t use it. It has taken I think a toll on our overall interaction with each other–i feel like I am where I am suppose to be and he feels that i need to go to him and it’s just odd to me to go to another place that’s not our room. Our interactions with one another have grown less and less –more and more gradual — I don’t think he sees it as clearly as I do.
    I for one like to go to bed generally before 11pm and often times this is too early for him — so theres one reason –so often times since I go to bed earlier,,he’s up and I’m not a happy camper with the situation but somehow suppose to make peace with it?

    I hope your wife has started talking to you about it– she should communicate to you what’s going as you have the right to know.

  3. Unknown says:

    Why not just have separate homes…that’s probably going to be the outcome anyway, especially if only one partner is ok with separate bedrooms. My boyfriend & I have been living together for the last 4 years & have always sleep together and have always been intimate (not sex, true intimacy). We moved into a home with a basement that he claimed as “the man cave” which was fine with me because people still need their own space to gather thoughts, be alone, etc. He eventually got to the point where he began sleeping in the man cave, no arguments, no issues that I was aware, he just liked it down there…it’s virtually an apartment. Problem is, now I feel abandoned, we rarely talk about ANYTHING, it no long feel emotionally connected and I almost feel that he may as well move out, because he’s not there anyway (theoretically speaking). It’s apparent that our relationship is in real trouble and I’m scared, hurt, depressesd and confused. I feel helpless and hopeless because he doesn’t think it’s a big deal.

  4. Rachel says:

    My boyfriend and I are just debating on the sleeping separately situation. We feel that we spend too much time together at home, and our schedules are VERY different. He starts work between 12-6 in the afternoon and gets home between 9-3am. I on the other hand, have a job at a school, so I’m up early and in bed early. We both think that he shouldn’t be woken up by my alarm, and I don’t need to get woken up everytime he comes home late.

    He likes the idea of me watching TV / doing my computer stuff in my own area of the house too because when we are “in the mood” we can go see each other and it adds a college dorm room sort of feel to it. We’re both 24 and I never lived at school and he never went, so we didn’t get to do that fun stuff. On the weekends, when I’m off and he’s off, we intend to sleep together and be intimate, and probably feel better because we both got a great night’s sleep the week before!

    I’m hopeful about this making our relationship better because the little annoyances we fight about won’t be as apparent.

  5. Mrs I Am Sleey Anyway says:

    My husband and I are sleeping in separate rooms for a whole different reason than you alls . He feels he can go on holiday without calling or answering his phone. We both retired at 47 and he has lost his mind. We built a house in Mexico and I don’t want to leave so I moved him to the other master bedroom seeing he wants to go on holiday when he wants too. I’ve asked him do he want too be single. He says no, but I reply “then why do you think you can go out for days and come back and expect me to be normal about”.This man has gone crazy if he thinks I’ll share a bed with him. He too is a cover hogger an snores horribly. We have been married 12 years and I have used ear plugs and sleeping pills because I loved the idea of having a husband next to me. Now we are sleeping separate, I’m hoping this will be a wake up call for him. If our marriage grows futher apart, then I hope we can go back to being friends. That is how we started in the first place. We started as roommates. I don’t care if he is cheating, just don’t want to share a bed with a cheater. So for now separate rooms are perfect.

  6. Saved Us says:

    I believe that sleeping apart actually saved our marriage. My husband snores so loud that walls reverberate. I, on the other hand, have battled with insomnia my entire life. For years we tried everything – different pillows for him, humidifiers, nose strips; for me – sleeping pills, ear plus, ipod. The end result was neither of us sleeping, I would toss and turn all night keeping him awake and fantasize about smothering him with a pillow to make the noise stop. My constant moving kept him up all night also. Now we sleep in separate rooms and are so much happier – it’s amazing what being well rested can do for a relationship. We still cuddle on the weekends in bed (who ever is up first will join the other in bed), we still have sex (we never were having sex right before bed anyways, it was always other times), and, most importantly, we are not getting progressively more bitter or hateful towards each other. So, it certainly matters why a couple sleeps apart – ours was entirely due to lack of sleep compatibility, and we’ve always had an otherwise healthy relationship. But, I really don’t think sleeping apart, by itself, damages a relationship if everything else is good.