Pig Gossip
“Out with the pigs from our country!” – It may not sound like a slogan to you, yet it is one of the most recent ones I happened to hear on a radio station that emits in the area I live. Of course it does not literally refer to pigs; I mean the real, actual animal, but rather to the ones that populate the higher spheres of our society. I think it would be rather funny to try and get rid of all the pigs from this country (even though not impossible if we think that there may be some pork gourmands among us and also given the fact that Christmas is usually associated with a whole plethora of foods, including the dear Mr. Pig). Or there could perhaps be organized a civilized procedure that would simply line them all in front of the custom lines or in the check-in areas of the airports. We may also think about a ticket towards other lands, can we?! So, be aware you are just about to be invaded by a whole army of pigs!
It was really this slogan that inspired me to write about the “This little pig went to market, this little pig stayed at home…” as some nursery rhymes come to mention. And since I was somehow challenged to take this as a summons to contest, some sort of a provocation meant to just change the image most of us happen to have about pigs, I cannot but embark upon a trip into their world. “What a disgrace, a horrible, horrible, filthy trip that would be!” you most be saying or if not saying at least thinking. We shall see about this! So better not rush into emitting wrong opinions before experiencing the real trip, don’t you think so?
We often tend to label pigs as being dirty, smelly and even sweaty bathed. Yet as far as scientific evidences come to prove it we seem to have been misjudging them to a quite high extent. And here I cannot but quote Roald Dahl Who used to write in his poem entitled “The Three Little Pigs” the following words “The animal I really dig, / Above all others is the pig. / Pigs are noble. Pigs are clever, / Pigs are courteous. “We often tend to call the people around us names and most often whenever our internal perception screams injustice or something we happen to dislike, we make appeal to the animals in our mind, animals that happen to be envisaged as being the filthiest, dirtiest, in one word the most horrible ones. As such we happen to catalogue even our closest, dearest persons as being pigs. We may often end up asking ourselves if men are really some chauvinistic pigs as the voice of majority often claims and those very often times we end up concluding that we may either have the tendency to exaggerate it all or at extremes we may conclude it all by placing some sign of equality between men and women and saying that after all no one can be perfect and that we all have a tiny pig or sow in ourselves.
Yet, after researching the matter of pigs I managed to discover that pigs are not at all as most of us envisage them as often we tend to wrap their being into some sort of a veil of biases. So, here I am in front of you to call for some leniency when it comes to these somehow amazingly created (yet sacrificed) animals.
And just to demolish some of those previously mentioned biases I shall now start sharing with you whatever interesting fact I managed to discover about these quite widespread mammals. After all as President Harry Truman said at some point “No man should be allowed to be President who does not understand hogs.” So, if any of you wishes to become a president sometimes in the near or distant future it is a must that you acquire some knowledge about them. First of all we should start from the very question: What are pigs? The answer to this question for sure is meant to raise no problems whatsoever since most of us already happen to know that we are dealing with some domesticated animals. These animals happen to be part of the so called Suidae family, a family which in its turn belongs to an order generally referred to as Artiodactyla.
And just in case you have ever been interested in finding out when or who thought first about domesticating pigs then the mystery is just going to be revealed to you. Rumors say that it all began just about 9000 years ago when some Chinese people thought it better and deliberated that this is just what they had to do, namely domesticate some pigs. Later on, Europeans apparently took them as a model and decided to make their pigs go through the same domestication process. At some point historical facts account that among the names of those who brought these mammals to the western hemisphere one could hear the names of Christopher Columbus, Hernando de Soto and other Spanish explorers as well being mentioned. It looks like this was how the history of pigs was written! And by saying this I can almost clearly hear most of you saying “Oh lady, I think you have been fantasizing lately and quite a lot! Are you really that potty as to believe that there is such a thing as a history of pigs? All the history I know when it comes to pigs is that of having it well roasted on my dinner table!” That could be a history too dear sir or madam, yet clearly a whole other pair of shoes (Or was it a pair of pigs? I still cannot make up my mind which one was it!), namely a history of culinary preferences.
Did you know that Sir Winston Churchill once uttered the following words: “I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”? He must have had serious reasons to say this, don’t you thinks so? I tend to think that he did really have given it a serious thought before uttering these words. Unless he happened to be crazy or mistaken as some of you may think of him. Crazy, he wasn’t – at least this is what historical evidences prove and (unless you know something else, something that I may be unaware of) I shall now try to deem whatever it is that he meant by saying this. Now, in order to be able to do this we should press the ‘On’ button of imagination (that is if we happen to have been endowed with it. Safe use is advised when turning it on!). Ok, now that I suppose you turned on imagination I am going to picture the following situation. You happen to have three animals at home, animals of which you happen to be very proud and attached to. These three animals include a cat, a dog and of course a pig (a cute little one). One day you decided to take a vacation and relax away from all the three of them. This could be labeled as moment zero or better said the moment of crucial importance. Time passes and fortunately or unfortunately you need to come back home and when you do this you manage to discover that your cat simply appears not to give a damn about your return going on with its daily grooming, that your dog keeps fretting against your legs being in a state close to tremendous insanity (I am not sure that such a thing even exists but after all it is just imagination) and that finally your pig pet looks as if he had something to reproach to you (maybe he expected you to bring him a present or perhaps write him a love letter. Who knows?)
And if you think I exaggerated it in any way then most surely you are still unaware of the fact that pigs happen to be quite intelligent animals, in fact one of the smartest of the domesticated animals. So smart that they have even outran dogs in respect to the so called gray matter, or otherwise simply called intelligence. And if you have the rather poignant tendency to consider as blameworthy any such top of intelligence having as main actors the animals inhabiting this world, either domesticated or wild ones, then what I am just about to share with you will perhaps convince you that you happen to be mistaken. Some brilliant minds out there studying the animals have decided to place the pig on the fourth place when it comes to bringing into discussion the concept of intelligence in the animal world. You may be curious to hear what animals managed to be awarded the gold, silver and bronze metals. Surprisingly or not, some banana lovers came to be awarded the gold medal. I am referring here to chimpanzees. And after a long run there came the dolphin, its intelligence being already famous among the creatures of the sea, don’t you think so? The bronze medal was adjudged to the rather huge elephants, those mythical memorizers. And if you still have doubts regarding the entitlement of this awarding then most surely what I am about to whisper (Note: I could as well scream, yet I preferred whispering) to you is going to leave you open-mouthed or “bouche bée” as the French would put it. Did you know for example that pigs are so intelligent that they can even surpass dogs when it comes to learning to do tricks? Amazingly enough among the activities they learned to master one can enumerate such things as providing themselves a drink (I am really curious now in finding out what is their favorite Cocktail! Can it be bloody Mary, a Flaming Volcano, a Sex on the beach, a Mind Eraser or perhaps a Screaming Orgasm would be just perfect?). Oh no, you can relax, it is all just about a drink of water! And since I used the plural of the word activity meaning more than just one I will continue to amaze you with what scientists managed to discover that pigs can do. Besides that drink they can as well get their own dish of food (some sort of Swedish Buffet!) and if you ever doubted that pigs could be just great actors then here it is: they can also enchant you by doing all sort of stumbling movements, by racing, by pulling carts and even by performing a dance in front of you. (I have to admit that the dance part sort of amazed me too and I cannot but wonder now if they can dance samba for example, or perhaps cha cha. Hmmm…! What do you think? Can they do all this?)
According to Professor Stanley Curtis of Penn State University pigs can do much more than just the above mentioned things. Do you happen to have an armchair close to you? If you do, then I advise you to sit down because the situation gets even more complex and perhaps weirder for some of you. Ok, probably you are sitting down right now so I can release the information. Professor Stanley Curtis said that he discovered that pigs can play … (Oh, I forgot! Was it hide and seek? No, it wasn’t! Could it have been chess? No!) joystick-controlled video games. And amazingly enough according to this professor they manage to do this quite well, mastering what he referred to in terms of “abstract representation”. Isn’t this just amazing, what these unjustly labeled animals can do in their spare time? The question that is on my lips now and I simply cannot hold myself from letting it out sounds like this: What can your pig do? And I am referring here to the animal, that is if you happen to have such an animal. I am sure most of you would answer something that will sound pretty much like this: It can sit very well with an apple in his mouth on the dining-room table! And I am not judging anyone here, believe me…It was all meant to be a joke and I was just trying to make you literally envisage the pig with all its unknown amazing facets.
And most surely these amazing facets do not end here. Did you know for example that there are some pigs out there that have been trained to poke for truffles, an already famous delicacy that is to be found growing in temperate forests in North America and Europe? Rumors say that being able to smell up to 25 feet underground this is just another challenge they willingly accept to take. Even so, they apparently have their good reasons to accept it as they happen to love eating truffles and perhaps somewhere in a corner of their mind they hope that they would get their own share of these truffles. Are they to be blamed? We would probably do just about the same thing if we were in their place.
But did you know that they can as well track down drugs? Amazingly enough they can do this and this is why police forces heavily rely on them when it comes to smoking out drugs. And thinking about truffles one may also be tempted to believe that they turn out to be some drug addicted too. There is a saying which says that one should never say never, at least not until he manages to experience that situation. As such, to this supposition I shall just stress over the fact that up to now there could be no talk about something like this. But who knows what can happen in the future? One day you may come across an addicted pig acting strangely and then you will know it…he probably helped police forces and he just couldn’t resist the temptation…
And just not to risk getting them angry and make them become noisy you may need to know the exact names to call them. So, here it is the rather complicated list of words trying to make the difference between males, females and baby pigs. First there is the male pig which proudly carries the name of boar or barrow if he happens to be castrated (That must have been painful! So, better be cautious nut to disturb this one!), then there is the female pig which is usually yelled at as “Hey, you gilt!” or “Hey, you sow!” if she happened to have been blessed with just a few or more than few piglets. Talking about names and mentioning their intelligence I thought about sharing another interesting fact with you. Here it is: rumors say that if you decide to call your pig Bill for example…you should not be surprised if only in a couple of weeks he actually responds to this name. They are very smart animals…I told you!
They are to be found in this world in a quite wide variety, to be more precise just about 15 distinct species of Sus Domestica, as they may also be referred to.
When it comes to portraying pigs, most of us happen to know how they look like. The epitome of fatness as many of us happen to consider them, they all happen to be sharing the same rather chunky, corpulent body, some short legs and spiny, coarse hair. And what clearly is considered to be porcine or part of the porcine world is the almost unmistakable snout and of course the small piggish tail which may be characterized as being either skewed, spiraled or straight. All these traits happen to be evident, yet did you know that they have been endowed with four toes on each foot and that each toe ends in a hoof? You probably did know this, yet I guess that what you did not know was the fact that they only use two middle toes when walking. Does this give them the grace of a ballet dancer? To make a joke I’d say that all they need are some peasant sandals.
And just to clear those biases I mentioned at the beginning of this journey I shall now start with the dirtiness one. Are pigs really that dirty as the voice of majority generally claims them to be? We envisage them as being dirty, yet pigs happen to be very clean animals. And just before you start contradicting me I shall tell you something that may come as a surprise to many of you. Did you know for example that pigs settle their “resting rooms” far from their eating or living area? Of course, this happens if only we provide them the space to do just this. Much like it happens in our case when we plan to do this and that and organize a living space like in magazines, yet when discovering that we have just a little crowded area we end up sitting on one leg. If you tended to think that piglets make the difference and have no manners whatsoever when it comes to physiological needs then here I am to demolish all these biases! I say this having in mind the fact that scientists managed to discover that even recently born piglets use the bathroom area and not their ”bed” to “toilet” their needs. They spare their parents of buying them some diapers this way, do they?
When thinking about pigs most of us picture them rolling around in mud or better said practically bathing in mud. They have their own good reasons for doing this. What would you do if you rather tolerated coldness than extreme heat? And this is not all! What would you do if you had no sweat glands and so you had practically no chance to cool yourself? You would probably end up doing the same thing that they are doing, that is you’d splash around in the mud. You must have heard the following expression more than just once in your life and you probably ended up uttering it yourself; I am referring here to the “You sweat like a pig!” statement. Surprise, pigs do not sweat!
In the world of pigs mud comes to serve more purposes. As far as I know (though I am not sure) there is no one out there to have invented a cream meant to protect pigs from getting sunburned. (Here is a pretty good idea of starting a business!) Or perhaps a repellent against insects that may find their flesh quite juicy and appealing to their senses, not to mention the various flies and parasites that may come to love their thick skins as well. Yes, pigs too get bitten by flies or any other insects and surprisingly or not they too get sunburned. And here comes the bathing in mud issue! And what a relief that must be for pigs! Even though they may prefer water, being excellent swimmers too (you’d probably not say this when looking at them!), they content themselves with some mud if available.
Pigs have often been labeled as great gormandizers and gluttons, yet despite these labels it has been discovered that they only eat until they are full. So, despite their reputation for playing a good knife and fork, they do not pig out as people generally gossip at corners.
It looks like they enjoy what they eat and after all is there anyone to blame them? All those taste buds on their tongues, just about 15,000 as scientists managed to find out, certainly help them savor food to the very best of it. Surprisingly or not, the human tongue has been endowed with only 9,000 such taste buds. The saying according to which one should eat in order not be eaten seems not to be working in their case, mainly because evidences prove that pork is the world’s most widely-eaten meat. Eating like a pig, does this expression sound familiar to you? In fact, there can be talk of no such thing. Pigs happen to be eating rather slowly, savoring their food and letting this one pervade their whole being. What is sure is that they are certainly not picky when it comes to culinary preferences and for sure they enjoy eating!
What hobbies or favorite past-time activities do pigs have? Are they social creatures? Do they value the notion of family? You are just about to discover the answer to all these questions. You may end up being surprised by some details related to them, yet I’ve said it once and I most surely can stress it over again and again: pigs are in fact amazing animals. As far as their “hobbies” are to be brought into discussion, most of you will probably be surprised to hear that they enjoy spending their time playing, exploring whatever is there to be explored in their surroundings and sunbathing. Yet, if you thought that these were all their favorite activities then you clearly do not know anything about them. Have you ever envisaged pigs as great music lovers? You may have never thought about this, yet if you ever decide to play them some music then most surely you’ll notice that they love it. Great music fans, indeed! Do you love being massaged? Most of us do love it, yet when it comes to pigs they may end up grunting because of so much pleasure reversed over them. Could this be paralleled only by their some say pretty long (they must be jealous of them, going green-envied on the inside, don’t you thinks so?) orgasm? This piggish orgasm has somehow reached almost biblical proportions and no wonder it did this since it is said that it lasts for no longer than just about 30 minutes. Do I hear anyone bragging with his own record? I am just joking of course since we are talking about a rather intimate matter, are we?
Enough with intimacy! When deciding to write about pigs I documented myself and when it came to their preferences I even managed to find it written somewhere that “they love having their bellies and backs scratched and they love the smell of shoelaces especially the pickles and chocolate variety.” I have to admit I do not know anyone around me to have tried this with their pigs, yet I do not contest it in any way. I rather consider this amazing. Equally interesting seems to me the fact that they happen to have a weakness for rather expensive shoes and display an almost weird fascination for “ankle bracelets and painted manicured toenails.” Try this with the pigs that are in your property! I promise I will try it next time I happen to visit Ern (that’s how I named my uncle’s pig). That is if he will still be alive by the time I get there! As far as I heard a cruel fate awaits him! And unfortunately this fate beholds most of the pigs carrying on with their lives out there in this wide world!
As far as socializing is brought into discussion, they use to do just this either by emitting all sorts of sounds or cutely enough by deciding to sort of cuddle each other or to rub their noses. They may as well end up sleeping nose to nose being able to even dream much like humans do. When language skills are mentioned, pigs seem to be equally skillful communicators. Surprisingly or not it has been found that they have developed more than twenty distinct sounds to transmit what they need to transmit. They may either be saying “I am hungry!” or “Do you happen to find me attractive enough to become my partner?” when flirting with each other, or they may be equally saying “Time to bathe in the mud, you people!” Pure suppositions of course, as in fact to my shame I do not master their language! All those “oink, oink” sounds are far more complicated and complex than you actually give them credit to be! They may be either snorting or roaring or grunting to communicate either to you or to their fellows what is going on in their minds. And apparently there are just a lot of things there in their minds! They may wish to listen to some music or be scratched on their backs or they may simply be craving for your most expensive shoes. Admit it now: they would look rather cute with those shoes in their feet, would they? Or perhaps they are just interested in discovering how it feels like being in your shoes.
Are you interested in finding out even more interesting things about the Mr. and Mrs. pigs out there? Here comes an even more amazing fact! Rumors say that mother pigs use to sing to their babies while nursing. Isn’t this simply amazing?
You probably heard about the words “when pigs will fly”…What if you woke up one morning and you’d found out that pigs can actually fly? I am not saying that they can do this yet they happen to be pretty fast when it comes to racing. Did you know that pigs can actually run a mile in just about 7 minutes? Fly like a bird (was it a pig? I am not sure!) and take me with you! – These were the first words that came to my mind after coming across the above mentioned information.
Some of you may say that there is no such thing as a philosophy related to pigs and their existence and as even Roald Dahl wrote it in his poem entitled “The Pig” here comes the whole philosophy, the piggish one of course: “He simply could not puzzle out / What LIFE was really all about. / […] Till suddenly one wondrous night. / All in a flesh he saw the light. / He jumped up like a ballet dancer / And yelled, “By gum, I’ve got the answer!” / “They want my bacon slice by slice / “To sell at a tremendous price! / “They want my tender juicy chops / “To put in all the butcher’s shops! / “They want my pork to make a roast / “And that’s the part’ll cost the most! / “They want my sausages in strings! / “They even want my chitterlings! / “The butcher’s shop! The carving knife! / “That is the reason for my life!” “
I’d summarize it all by saying that it all comes down to just a matter of taste. Or as someone said I may end up saying that it all comes down to some animals that happen to have it almost all: they are smart, pretty damned smart as some of you may actually prefer saying, they can afford being fattish without being called other names, other than their own, they can freely bathe in mud and as gossip goes they have been blessed with 30 minutes of pleasure and they haven’t even asked for this (Poor them, some may say!). And all these facts happen to be associated with a mammal called pig, perhaps even the very pig from your farm, your Billy. “Enjoy each moment as if it were your last one!” – I often hear this phrase yet I now came to the conclusion that it comes to be even more veridical in the case of pigs since they cannot count on the next year, not to say on tomorrow! Goodbye Billy! Welcome Joanna!
